After All, It's a Step in the Right Direction

I've been excessively silent on this blog recently and I apologise for that. I'm still lagging behind with my book and classic film reviews but hopefully I can get those up to date soon. The sad truth is that I haven't had much time to read and watch anything or, really, to do much apart from react to things going on around me. It's not the most rewarding of existences and it certainly isn't healthy for me personally.

So where are we at? Well, last Friday I delivered what I hope is the last piece of my PhD puzzle. My thesis corrections have been uploaded and outstanding paperwork delivered so, theoretically, that should be that.

In other news, I was delighted to be short-listed in the 2015 Exeter Story Prize with my short story 'Pongo'. That's one I'm particularly proud of and I'm glad all that hard work paid off. One of the things that drew me to that competition was the ability to submit longer short stories. Sometimes you need the extra space and I don't think 'Pongo' would've squeezed in to a more constrictive word count.

I'm also standing for election again in the Pontefract North by-election on the 24th September for Yorkshire First. Politics is still something I'm passionate about, though I don't go into it much on this blog. However, in fairness, I haven't had much time to go into it on my politics blog either! The last post I managed over there was badgering the previous councillor to resign and, lo and behold, now I'm standing for her seat. Isn't life a funny thing?

My priorities have, quite naturally, shifted with waving the PhD goodbye. Top on the list is trying to look after myself a little better than I have been doing in recent months. Beyond that, there are always other things in the pipeline. Here are the headlines.

• Back in July I developed a priority list of novel drafts. I've got cracking on the fourth draft of 'Max', marking up all the necessary edits and starting on the nitty-gritty of actually implementing them. This is going to be a long process and it may derail the other projects I want to work on before the end of the year. However, I'd still like to get to 'Danni' and 'Izzy' before the end of the year. I'm also working on the assumption that I'm going to be participating in NaNoWriMo this year, though by this point I've usually had a big idea and I'm working on refining it. I need inspiration to strike. 
• On the short story front, I need to get back into the groove. For instance, I currently have four in need of a second draft and another four that I've decided need a complete overhaul before I resubmit them. At the time of typing, I only have three short stories out at submission but there are another two I'm content enough with to send out so I need to get on with that. My aim is to make my co-working day with Wakefield Jelly the main day for short story paper edits again. That's worked very well in the past and it's a dedicated day for escaping to edit short stories (in addition to a dedicated hour of escape each weekday to actually write them). Incidentally, if anyone's around on Wednesday 23rd September, pleased stop by at Create and join us Jelly folk. The group has been going for two years now and, amazingly enough, I've been going since the start!
• I'm also hoping to take on some tutoring work for A-Level students and above. I had some success in this quarter earlier in the year so, if you know anyone who needs a little help with their English studies please ask them to contact me. Hopefully there'll be more on this in the future. 
• Freelance writing and project management is also another string to my bow and is taking up a chunk of my time at the moment. 

There, that's perfectly manageable, isn't it? Who said anything about slowing down? Besides, it takes my mind off the fact I'm essentially flying without navigation at the moment. But, as Angela sings, it's a step in the right direction, after all...even if I don't know quite what direction I'm going in. 

The Week Ahead: Corrections and Short Stories

If I went into detail about why I'm despairing at the moment it'd take a while and nothing else would get done. Suffice to say, just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they suddenly did. The last year of my life has been a lesson in this so I'm not sure why I'm so surprised. Alas, tolerance levels are eroded beyond recognition. If there's one thing going right in a life perhaps the rest can be accepted as necessary balance but that's not the case. However, I apparently have to carry on so...

I've got a month before my thesis corrections are due and, really, I wanted them finished two weeks ago. I've planned all the edits and I'm halfway through implementing them now. All I need to do after that is write two brief appendices and get them checked over. Then the thesis is done and... Well, it's done. Full stop after that one.

My other task for this week is to work on some of the short story drafts I've neglected. Three need a complete rewrite, though I've been putting it off because the novel drafts seemed more important. I want to rewrite them this week for editing at Wakefield Jelly next week. In theory, let's see how that goes.

Next week I'm cat-sitting for my sister. During that quiet time away I'm going to focus on the fourth draft of 'Max'. I've already had a read through of the third draft and I know what needs to be done. A couple of major fixes and thousands of minor ones. I want to make a dent in that.

Little steps...

Whoa? Whoa

I think, after the last few days, the word I'm looking for is definitely 'whoa'.

The big news is that on Friday I passed my viva with minor corrections. The extra-special viva playlist obviously worked. It contains all my magic powers and if I ever go anywhere without it I'll lose my doctorate... Fortunate that my headphones are surgically attached to my skull then, isn't it?

Five minutes before my viva I was having a major wobble and, unsurprisingly, music dragged me through it. These two songs got me in the lift and through the door. Betty Blue Eyes and Merrily We Roll Along - who'd have thunk?

Thanks to everyone for helping me on Friday, especially my dad, Sal, Claire and my brilliant supervisor. A few drinks were in order and, to celebrate, I even had a pink cocktail. This is me, said cocktail and Edmund, my present from Sal:

So after all that excitement on Friday, I was wondering why I'd agreed to read a short story out at the Jackanory event on Saturday. The piece I regaled them with was 'Shredded Timbers', my prize-winning story from a few months ago. I think the reading went well though, I have to say, I was still a little bit bemused from the day before!

However, the twists and turns of life may have thrown something else in my path. Let's just say that if I was looking for the reason why I made the rather silly decision to attend Jackanory the day after my viva, I found it. As ever, Sondheim says it best...

"We're opening doors, singing, "Here we are!"

We're filling up days on a dime.

That faraway shore's looking not too far.

We're following every star,

There's not enough time!"

Big Week Ahead

I've been pretty absent from this corner of the internet for the last few months. There's a practical reason for that - it's difficult to review books or classic films when you can't find time to read and watch them. That epic reading challenges list I decided to undertake this year is taking a hammering, though I'm hopeful that I can catch up when things settle down. I'm due a lull, you see.

This week is pretty important in the grand scheme of things. I have my viva on Friday. And I'm just going to leave that there, because otherwise I may start flapping again. Judy and Fred say no.

So, what else is going on? Well, I've been officially nominated as the Yorkshire First candidate for the Wakefield North council ward. Campaigning is enjoyable yet time-consuming and I just hope I don't disgrace myself on the ballot paper on May 7th. On the work side of things, I've mainly been fire-fighting. I feel like I'm playing a lengthy game of Whac-A-Mole. Viva prep: bam! Political leafleting: bam! Article research and writing: bam! Short story work: bam! Everything begins to calm down after the election. That, however, brings its own set of problems. I think I prefer playing Whac-A-Mole to be honest.

It will be good to return to novel work. I've had to set my plans aside to focus on the things that have popped up in the meantime, but I miss those drafts. Hopefully I can come back to them refreshed and make some headway.

For now, though, I've got to get through this week. I've got everything crossed...

"Maybe I can do - don't laugh - good,

Maybe I can do - don't laugh - well,

Maybe you could be - who knows - proud,

All right so laugh...but not too loud..."

A Fresh Approach

Now that I'm in that scary limbo between thesis submission and viva I decided that a little shake up of my daily plans was in order. I've just been muddling through for the last year or so, trying to do everything all at once and getting snowed under with it all. It was only when I allowed myself the novelty of a weekend off that I realised there are better ways to split my time for the moment. I won't like it, on account of it feeling like I'm doing too little on certain days, but I'll try to stick to it where I can.

So I've got various irons in the fire as far as work goes. I'm researching several academic papers that I think I can set my mind to drafting now the thesis is gone; I've got a steady stream of short stories that I'm writing, rewriting, editing and submitting; I've got two blogs to keep ticking over; I'm hoping to stand for election in the locals in May for Yorkshire First (I forgot to mention that over here, see my other blog for details); and, of course, I have those pesky novels in various stages of rewriting. If I don't break it up a bit then I'm liable to feel more overwhelmed than I do just looking at that list. We're probably looking at something like this:

• An admin day - Time spent on catching up with blog posts, typing up short stories ready for editing, sorting out submissions.
• An academic day - Work on those papers I've got in mind, one at least is ready to be written straight away.
• A short story day - For the actual writing and editing of short stories, which will entail me going to the library because that's definitely an out of office task. 
• Two novel days - To work on whatever novel I'm beavering away on at the time. 
• Evenings - Fan fiction or other relaxing activity that is probably not work.
• Weekends - I can work, if I want, or I can write fan fiction or I can read. I don't have much of a social life but who needs one when you've got books? 

I know myself well enough to say that Mondays will probably be my admin day unless there's something pressing to be done in the other categories. We'll see how it goes, of course, and I might go back to muddling through very quickly. Anyway, it's worth a shot.

Here's Snowdrop with my thesis, to brighten up a dreary Monday...

...Onwards to 2015

Writing this has proved to be tricky. That's probably symptomatic of my general apathy and, really, I have no idea how the next year will play out. I'm dreading it to be fair, with no reason to suspect things are going to get any better in the near future. But let's see if I can pinpoint some specific things that I'd like to achieve in the next year.

In a few weeks I submit my thesis and so, hopefully, in a few months it'll all be over. My plans after that are, quite obviously, dependent on things beyond my control so we'll see where I am at the end of the year.

Regardless of the above, I want to attend a few more conferences this year and also work on at least two papers - I'm trying to set manageable goals but I hope I end up with more than two.

On the novel side of things, the key word this year is 'submission'. At least two novels are about in a fit state to go on their travels and I've done my research about potential publishers so it's just a case of putting them out there. I always said that once my PhD was done with I'd focus on my writing for a little while and that's still the plan.

As for the actual writing, I've already got a five month plan which involves working on five novels. Part of this involves finishing 'Kathy', a draft from 2013 that needs rewriting in the first person and then I'd also like to complete another NaNoWriMo draft in November. We'll see what the rest of the year holds but if writing's all I've got then I'd better make it count.

Equally, I'm enjoying writing short stories at the moment and I'd like to work on a lot more of them and submit plenty in 2015. This isn't really a quantifiable goal but here's hoping for a little more success in this field.

I've signed up for five reading challenges in 2015 because I'm desperately trying to occupy my mind as well as wanting to get through some of those books I've neglected for far too long. The details on all five can be found here, though I'd be amazed if I complete the huge list. Still, that's what challenges are for, right?

Whatever lies ahead in 2015, I can guarantee that I will be spending a lot of time in this lady's company. It's a sad song but, unfortunately, it does sum things up perfectly...

Farewell 2014...

Well, if I thought 2013 was bad... Seriously, there has to be a point where things do actually hit rock bottom and I start climbing towards that pinprick of sky discernible miles above. A good post about the crumminess of this year was written in September called 'Taking Stock' and, I have to say, things haven't exactly improved. The only thing that's improved is my ability to roll with the punches a little more. So, on a personal level, 2014 stank but what about those goals I set myself? First are links to a few successes before we get into more failure.

Short Story Publication - 'To Catch a Fly'

Short Story Publication - 'Aldgate Echoes'

A Wakefield View of Westminster - Available Now

1. 2014 is, barring catastrophe, thesis submission year. It's been a long time coming and, I have to admit, the light at the end of the tunnel is frightening. Completion will bring its own set of problems but if I look towards them I'll panic and flee. So, let's just focus on finishing writing, submitting, the viva and... Actually, let's just think about the writing aspect. Everything else is too scary.
Does submitting two weeks into 2015 count as 'catastrophe'? That's the plan anyway and my only excuse is that, the number of times I've despaired of the thesis in the last year, it's a miracle it's getting submitted at all. And that light at the end of the tunnel? Even more petrifying now. 

2. Some more conferences would be a nice idea - either just attending or giving papers, ideally the latter.
I gave papers at three conferences this year, taking me to Oxford, Nottingham and London. A review of those can be found here but, on a personal level, I'm particularly proud of making it through the Nottingham one due to some incredibly difficult anxiety issues on the day. Taking good from bad, that was a triumph for me this year. 

3. I want to work on at least three academic articles/papers this year. Since I have four ideas already, that shouldn't be too difficult...right? We're going with optimism here.
Erm, misplaced optimism. Although the paper I gave at the VPFA in July is still ripe for expanding into a full essay and that will probably be my first academic task once I've submitted my thesis.

4. On the writing side, I don't want to promise too much. 2014 is the year of the thesis, remember. However, if I don't write then I go a bit batty so there will be work. What work? Well, I have eight novel drafts to play with. I want to do full-scale edits on, say, three of them (and I know which three, which is always good). I've already started putting the polished two out into the world. We'll see where that goes this year. A NaNoWriMo draft is on the cards too, along with finishing 'Kathy' (the novel I failed to complete this year) and maybe another draft about something close to my heart. I'm almost certain no one else could write this idea with the truthfulness required. The question is, do I have the courage? We'll see.
Novel-wise, I've added a NaNoWriMo draft to my bank, although I didn't manage to finish 'Kathy'. I've completed two second drafts and I'm partway through a third. The two novels that are in the best condition, having been through five or six drafts each, were refined in 2014 and I'm ready to submit them. I think. Not great but not bad considering.

5. I'm taking part in two reading challenges this year: the Chunkster Challenge and the TBR Challenge. I've picked out the books so just need to read them now. Easy...
I failed at both of these, as I summarised yesterday.

6. I want to continue going to the gym 2-3 times a week, at least until my membership runs out in August.
Until my membership expired, I managed this one. 

7. I've asked for driving lessons as a birthday present in July. Whether this comes off is still undecided but I do need to learn and this year might be the year. Keep off Yorkshire roads in August.
Given my mental state around my birthday, it's probably lucky this one didn't come off.

8. I've been saying for four years I want to learn a little Italian. I don't really know why but it's a deep-seated thing I do intend to do at some point.
Ha. Nope.

Blogging NaNoWriMo 2014: Draft Complete

Due to a sudden burst of determination, I completed my NaNoWriMo draft within November, with it coming in at 59,325 words, 3,541 of those written last night. Most of those, to be fair, were written during a rushed hour where my determination overtook my sense and I just had to finish it by the arbitrary deadline.

Overall, this goes down as another successful NaNo, though it still doesn't feel that way. However, it's another first draft in the can and I already have ideas about the alterations which need to be made. One of my secondary characters flip-flops throughout the novel and I need to work out how accurate that is or whether she was just dancing to my tune. As well as that, some of the care home residents emerged as much stronger characters than I'd anticipated and I should really cling onto them in the second draft. More about my future writing plans later in the week though.

November was tricky, as I knew it would be. I haven't been feeling very bright and most days I've either burst into tears or sat staring despondent at the wall for an hour. Add to that the fact that I've been battling with the final edits of my thesis for the last two weeks and you've got a pretty draining month. I spent most of last week in a cafe with a 190 page thesis and marker pen in front of me because doing that work at home with my father still off sick from work is nigh on impossible. This blog has suffered this month, I've got some freelancing work ongoing and there's some proofreading I need to do for something else which I'll tell you all about shortly. When I see it written down like that, I'm not surprised I've woken up to the first day of December with a stonking headache. Nevertheless, I won... Here's my celebratory banner and one of my favourite songs of the moment, guaranteed to make me sing and smile - for a few minutes at least.

Things I'm Looking Forward To Post-PhD

Since trying to make any 'proper' goals at the moment isn't happening on account of me reverting to being an anxiety-ridden reckless wreck of a human being, I decided to focus on the more immediate repercussions of finally submitting my thesis in the not-so-distant future. What can't I wait to do?

• Rip the colour-coded rubbish from every page of my sensation fiction and criticism collection, primarily from my poor copy of No Name that looks like it bickered with a rainbow. I wrote about it here a year ago and it's still that colourful, as are my copies of The Woman in White, Man and Wife and The Law and the Lady amongst others. 
• Put all my books back on shelves. There is a tottering pile of sensation fiction novels on my office floor that I repeatedly shelved then got out again until I just thought 'sod it' and left them on my desk. Then I moved my desk (part of me trying to fix myself) and put them on the floor and... Yep, that was two months ago. 
• Have the top of my document tray devoted to something other than illegible notes on Edmund Yates and Wilkie Collins. I could put soft toys in there, have company at my desk. 
• Sleep more. 

Anything I've missed? 

Bit By Bit, Putting It Together

It's scary, this PhD lark, isn't it? While I wait for something beyond my control to click into place, I'm beavering away at my thesis and, in all immodest honesty, not finding it half as bad as I thought it was. The bits are all there. They need polishing and, in a few cases, joining up so you can't see the creases but, on the whole, it's looking very thesis-shaped.

The main thing I've been doing lately is analysing my thesis by paragraph, making sure that each paragraph has an argument and leads onto the next etc. Now, I know I borrowed this idea from someone and I can't remember who - that's what four years of a PhD does to your brain! If anyone has any clue, let me know because it's incredibly useful and I'd like to credit them.

I'm also attacking those place holder subheadings I've been avoiding for years - and that's before I even get on to significant chapter titles. Have I mentioned I hate titles? Not this month on this blog, I'm sure.

Then there's the little monster scratching in the corner - the conclusion. At the moment, it's the size of a friendly household rat. He's perfectly happy over there, he's not angsty, he doesn't feel I'm neglecting him and he's pretty sure I'll make a good attempt at it. However, if I keep him waiting, he'll mutate. Imagine a thirty-foot rat towering over little old me. Let's try and evade that possibility, shall we?

And continue, bit by bit, putting it together...

Priority Lists

One of the departments I used to work for tried to be rigidly organised, giving us each of us lists every day about what we were doing and in what order. I did like knowing that and being able to jump straight into another task without having to (me being a summer clerk) hang around somebody's desk until they took pity on me and found me something to do. However, the lists could also have detrimental effects - if there was a task I was no good at or didn't know how to do, the fear would eat away at me until I got it done. Similarly, you couldn't skip a task without explaining/asking for permission first. It became a mini dictatorship and I came to loathe those bits of paper, despite the good they were still doing me most of the time.

So how does this relate to my current predicaments? Well, I'm drowning over here. It's funny on one level, terrifying on another. I'm going to trial giving myself a daily priority list which tries to balance the things I need to do with the things I should do and those I'd merely like to. If it underlines the problem rather than aiding it then I'll discard it as a failed experiment but with my little piece of yellow paper next to me I feel...well, overwhelmed and yet safe in the knowledge that I have a plan.

This is what today looks like:

1. Blog x 2 (for here and One Yorkshire Voice)
2. Type up short story edits for submission tomorrow
3. Check the proofs for my Downton Abbey/Upstairs, Downstairs essay which came through yesterday and need a swift turnaround
4. Two hours minimum on thesis chapter edits
5. Final meeting of the Westgate Writers before our event on Saturday
6. Novel work

Now I could just sit here laughing at the implausibility of all that or I could get on. Perhaps I should've factored lunchtime into all that... 

Escaping the Reeds

There's a moment in one of my favourite films, The African Queen, where Rose (Katharine Hepburn) and Charlie (Humphrey Bogart) are suffocating. The titular boat has been travelling through reeds and, despite their best efforts, they get stuck. They use the oars to try and launch their way through, they get out and pull, only to be assaulted by leeches. Even after this discovery, they are forced to get back in the water, just to have another shot at getting out of there. All the while, they're finding it close and hard to breathe.

If anything serves as a metaphor for how I've felt this week, that scene does it. Trapped, overwhelmed, lost: as though every breath was an effort. Each time I made an attempt to move, each time I dipped my toe in the water to try and navigate an escape, the leeches got me in the form of a memory. Sitting at my computer on an evening has been a device of torture. Far too many connotations and links. But, here's the rub, it's very difficult for me not to sit at my computer to work. All my thesis stuff and writing drafts are on it; my life's work, if you will. But little point in being at the computer when all I do is burst into tears. That's not focusing, in any sense of the word.

Yesterday became my 'getting back in the water' moment. It was my first Sheffield trip since all this kicked off and it was a doozy. Looking at it now, it's probably best to define it as a three hour panic attack that lasted from mid-morning until I got to my meeting at two. It involved some rather unpleasant scenes at the train station where I paced around and looked thoroughly crazy then one of those embarrassing moments on the train itself where I'm standing in the vestibule weeping, just weeping. With the aid of a friend, I made it up to uni and my meeting but I felt as though the life had been sucked out of me again.

My meeting went well, very well. Some positivity began to creep back into my mind, the possibility that I can get through the next few months. Though, when one of my supervisors asked me to think beyond that, I couldn't. With everything that's happened over the last few weeks, I don't have that ability. I just need to look at the smaller picture. The bigger one terrifies me.

Travelling home, I tried to think of ways I could force myself to work. Because the reeds are still there, threatening me every time I sit down to work. So what could I do to turn things around? Well, how about actually turning things around? By the time my dad got home from work I'd made a start on turning my desk around. For four years I've been staring at the same blank wall. That wall has been the scene of many hopeful projections, none of which came true, so perhaps it was time for a change. This is what my view was before:

Turning the desk around has had a few unintended consequences. I feel hemmed in with my chair but, bizarrely, not as hemmed in as I did when I had half the room to kick back in. And, also, I'm now facing my iPod. It's a funny thing, the music coming towards me instead of creeping over my shoulders. It's almost like hearing it anew. This is the low quality version of my desk now:

Of course, Rose and Charlie escape from the reeds in The African Queen. But the reason is largely beyond their control. The rains come, lifting up the boat and transporting it to safety. Maybe that was my meeting yesterday; the thing out of my control that grabbed me and yanked me through. For the moment, I'll ignore the fact that when Rose and Charlie reach safety, they blow up their boat... That may be a metaphor too far right now.

Taking Stock

Apologies for the radio silence. It's been a tough few weeks. Actually, everything since my birthday at the end of July has been a mini-nightmare, all conspiring to make this one gigantic monster that's inclined to chase me down the street with fangs bared. I'm holding him off for now but I can't say it's easy.

The less said about the thesis at the moment, the better. I just have to hope the problems I'm having with that (not completely of my own making this time) will iron themselves out. As a side note, I hate Edmund Yates and Wilkie Collins with every fibre of my being. I'd be happy never to see a passing reference to them ever again, though I'm told that feeling fades...eventually.

So - the writing. There's still some good news in the bag that I can't share with you yet but, beyond that, I'm really pulling my finger out. Last week, I took the time to focus on my writing and made a little progress. As I intended to do back in May, I've done a little planning ahead so that one novel ('Max') is ready to be second-drafted. I also cheated a little on my resolution not to do any 'proper' writing and made a concerted effort to finish the second draft of 'Lauren'. We're nearly there with only two and a half chapters left to write and it's hovering around the 60,000 mark at the moment. I've changed a lot about this (added five viewpoints for a start) and it's very rough but getting there, plot-wise. Everything needs tightening etc but that's a job for draft three.

My plans after I've finished that may change. Currently, what I want to do is work on the sixth draft of 'Lily'. That will require concentration, focus on every word, and may not sit comfortably alongside my thesis edits which, at this point, require the same thing. Not to worry - I've got several short stories to write and rework and I'm working on a play rewrite, which I need to submit to somewhere specific by the end of the month. I haven't got much out at submission currently but that's going to change.

To say I'm using my writing as a distraction wouldn't be far off the mark. August was atrocious, punctuated by problems with the boiler that still aren't resolved, a re-emergence of my anxiety issues and some rather more serious problems. My grandmother was diagnosed with bowel cancer. Even when they're 91 it's something you don't want to hear and the doc isn't planning on telling her because of her dementia problems. I've got mixed feelings on that one but my dad and aunt are the ones with the rights over her, not me. As well as that bombshell, I broke up (very amicably, as it happened) with my partner of nearly nine years and there have also been other things going on I can't really discuss on a public forum like this. However, what it all boils down to is a great shift in how I define myself. I've got to change my mindset and fight some long-ingrained habits. Learning to be yourself without other people around to bounce things off can be tricky but, hey, it's not as though I have a choice right now.

I've learned a couple of things in the last month. The first is that I have a renewed confidence in my writing abilities and I really need to hold on to that. The second is that honesty is truly the best policy. It might've made me ill, it might've caused a minor earthquake in my little world, but I feel a bit better for it. Not that I can keep a grip on that perspective constantly. Just have to roll with it for a while, I guess. Finally, the third thing I learned is that I can be strong. As I tweeted last week, I've essentially taken a blowtorch to half my life over the last month. Maybe it was stupid but once I'd struck the match, it was out of my control. And, in all seriousness, the fact that it is all out of my control now is vaguely reassuring. I did the right things for once, the brave things, and the fact that it didn't quite work out is not down to me. I have many things to reproach myself about in the past but, this time, I think I behaved fairly well.

So I'll just continue to roll with the punches. As I've been typing this, a man arrived with no warning to paint our windowsills and the saga of the boiler continues on Wednesday. I may be lonely at the moment, very lonely, but as long as I have my characters around I suppose I'll get through it. Betty Hutton can also help...

Pick Yourself Up...

Looking back at June, I'm a little shell-shocked. I don't quite know what happened. Ups, downs, spinning arounds; it's had it all and I don't feel any better for the variation. Several writing rejections balancing out that short story publication and more personal setbacks than you can shake a stick at. I always get a little self-reflective as we head into July (my birthday month) but June this year has just made me fearful. Will things continue to get worse? Ironically, given how much trouble I've had from it in the past, my PhD doesn't seem to be part of this bad spell. It's tricky, yes, but I'm winging my way through, I know what I'm doing and I'm getting good feedback. After all this time, I seem to be confident academically. We'll see if that lasts.

So...what next? Well, July will be as fractured as June in some respects. I'm in London for a few days for a conference and I'm sure there'll be some enforced time off around my birthday, though I'll likely spend the day chucking popcorn at my own reflection. I'm drifting from day to day, unsure of what I'm doing save for the thesis edits which I'm deliberately taking slowly in order to get right. My stress levels have mixed oddly with my apathy, meaning I spend half the time restless and the other half miserable. Completing the PhD won't fix this - the problems are too deeply rooted and far removed from academic worries. So I suppose I'm in no rush any more which, perversely, has meant I can attack the thesis with no pressure and it's therefore getting done more quickly - and accurately - than it was before.

I'm restarting my work diary (again, I last restarted it in January and lost the thread again in March). Hopefully this will give me some structure, reminding me that I am actually working and, if I can quantify that work, so much the better. I may need to go back to my old habits of a little work on something then switch - it may suit my restlessness.

If the second half of 2014 is going to be as challenging as the first, I need to prepare myself. And no one assists that more ably than Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers...

Nothing's impossible, I have found,

For when my chin is on the ground,

I pick myself up, dust myself off,

And start all over again.

Don't lose your confidence if you slip,

Be grateful for a pleasant trip,

And pick yourself up, dust yourself off

And start all over again.

Writing Projects - Planning Ahead

'Year of the thesis' is taking its toll. Not just on my sanity (though I am rather worried about that) but also on my writing. When I said I was taking a 'writing break' two months ago part of the reason was that I just didn't want to write any more. I'd lost the spark, it had been smothered under thesis work and personal problems, and I couldn't force it to come back with everything else going on. I'd said I'd see how I felt in the future. Well, I know how I feel now. I want to damn well write. Only problem is that I can't.

The kick I needed was a short story acceptance (I'll tell you about that next week) which gave me some confidence in my writing again. Then I had an epiphany about the first novel I ever completed and has been through four rewrites already. I know what to do with it. Suddenly the writing bug was back.

But - but - but... The thesis is killing me. I need to focus on it and I need to finish it as soon as possible. In addition to that, I'm giving papers at three conferences in the next six weeks and that in itself is causing me some considerable anxiety. There's no time for writing novels to fit into this. I've consoled myself by working on short stories longhand but it's not the same and it's not really what I want to be doing. So I've decided that, if I'm telling myself I can't write, I can at least plan. Then when I can write again, I'll be off like a shot... In theory. So here's the list of how my projects are looking and what planning I can do about them until that luxurious moment I actually get to write them again. These are in order of when they were written:

1. 'Lily' - This is the one that prompted the epiphany. As I consequence I've been sort of secretly working on a plan for the sixth draft which I finished the night before last. It details the major changes in each scene and, of course, there will be many minor ones too. I'm raring to go on this one.
2. 'Danni' - I'm actually happiest with this novel. I finished the fifth draft earlier this year and I don't think there's major work to be done, just tweaks. So this is the one I want to submit (and I know where to) once this pesky PhD is done with.
3. 'Liz' - I stopped working on the second draft of this in March when I was about a third into the rewrite and thesis work started to take over. The good thing is, I've also got a scene-by-scene breakdown of changes written for this. Just a case of implementing them. 
4. 'Lauren' - I mentioned back in January that I've changed so much with this that the second draft is essentially another first one. And, to be honest, the draft's nearly there. I've got two of the six sections left to complete and one of them is completely planned out. So I just need to plan the last section to get that ready for work.
5. 'Max' - There are massive changes to be made to this first draft, including switching from one POV to two and doing some serious characterisation work on the two protagonists. That all needs to be planned out. 
6. 'Vic' - There are changes to be made to back story on this first draft and more characterisation work to be done. I can plan that out. 
7. 'Izzy' - This first draft needs major change and I need to work out what those changes are going to be. I've started some protagonist characterisation work so I need to finish that then plan the new progression I guess. 
8. 'Carys' - My most recent NaNoWriMo success obviously needs major work. I have no idea what form this is going to take so I need to think about that.
9. 'Kathy' - This unfinished draft needs rewriting from third to first person and then planned from there to the end. That's doable. 

So there we go. There's a lot of planning I can get my teeth stuck into there, as long as I resist the temptation to actually write the drafts. Hopefully by the time I'm finally allowed to indulge, I'll be chomping at the bit. Though when that may be...who knows? 

A Writing Break

Well, I did call 2014 the 'year of the thesis'. Three months in and I'm struggling to even work on that. As I tweeted last night, I feel like I'm waging a battle by wading through thesis mud. I'm not getting very far and, honestly, I would prefer to just let the mud sweep me away. I think it's actually in danger of doing that.

I made a decent effort to juggle in January, as this post details, but since then it's all gone very wrong. I was writing the odd thousand words on novel drafts, that became hundreds and now I've just stopped opening the documents. I can't focus on a project because there's so much I need to do with them. It's overwhelming and I can't deal with novel-overwhelming on top of thesis-overwhelming.

I suppose it wouldn't be as bad if I felt like I was getting somewhere. But I'm not. Rejection follows rejection and, really, I haven't got the mental reserves to keep putting myself in that situation. I already feel like hell for various reasons. I'm not doing myself any favours by setting myself up for further rejection. Maybe I'm listening to that little devil that whispers 'just give it up' or maybe I'm being sensible - who knows?

The thing is, if I stop then I might not start again. I might listen to the devil. Hell, maybe the devil's right. I'm too far gone to be able to look at this objectively. All I know at the moment is that I don't want to write. I think that's the first time in ten years I've said that and meant it. I've still got things out at submission and maybe something will come of them but if it doesn't... I don't know. I really don't.

But 2014 is the year of the thesis. Let's focus on that because it damn well needs the concentration.

Doing Enough?

It's probably unsurprising that the question I ask myself on a daily basis is 'am I doing enough?' - it's a symptom of this work ethic I seem to have developed in the last few years. Just when I think I can't add 'more' to my to-do list, I find another gear. In the last month, I've started zooming until the figures waving at me to pull over and have a sit-down are inconsequential blurs. My father's resorted to replenishing my Smarties stash without complaint and knocking on the door every once in a while to make sure I eat proper meals. But, still, the question returns, usually at half past two in the morning when I can't possibly turn my mind off: am I doing enough?

My work diary suggests what can only be described as 'epic multi-tasking'. Since I restarted my it in January following a little hiatus I've apparently worked on two novel manuscripts (completely rewriting tens of thousands of one and indulging in some delicate rewriting on the other), written a full-length play draft, a short play draft and rewritten half a single television drama script draft. I've also got more things out at submission that I've had for literally years: two novels to competitions (different to the above), a script and two short stories. In the next two weeks I hope to add two more scripts to that and a novel (yes, another different one) to another competition. And I keep discovering things I want to enter. That's on the writing side of things. On the academic side, I deleted 8000 words of my fourth thesis chapter and drastically rewrote it (with success, I believe) and I'm currently in the process of drastically rewriting the first thesis chapter I wrote way back in 2011-12 (currently up to 9000 words on that). I've been doing detailed research for two essays I hope to write in the near future, doing some Collins biography work to get my facts completely straight and I've submitted two abstracts, one for a conference and one for an edited collected. Usually, when I hop from one project to another, I don't get much done of anything  but the last two months have defied that formula.

But, still, the question remains: am I doing enough? I think the fact is that I'm never going to believe I am. I mean, how long's a piece of string? What's enough? Do you quantify 'enough' by only doing what you 'have' to? In that case, all my writing's redundant. Or do you judge it by the amount of work you'd 'like' to do? Under that glare, I fail completely. I've made a conscious decision to do as much as mentally and physically possible in 2014, and I think I've stuck to that resolution in the first two months of the year. But, no, I don't feel like I'm doing 'enough' because my expectations of myself are ridiculously high. What's the point if they aren't? There's a wonderful line in Merrily We Roll Along's 'Old Friends' from writer Charley that sums up my feelings: 'Well, what's the point of demands you can meet?' Really, what is the point? It means you're not pushing yourself and I am determined to push myself.

Perhaps I'm asking the wrong question. Perhaps it's not 'am I doing enough?' Perhaps it's 'am I doing too little?' that will satisfy me that I'm not failing. That one I can almost always answer with a resounding 'NO'!

Busy, Busy

Apologies for the lack of activity on here this week. 'Hectic' pretty much covers it, and not really the kind of hectic that makes for engaging blog posts. Haven't finished any books, haven't watched any classic films - actually the only things I've really watched are odd episodes of Coronation Street while I eat. The most frustrating thing of all was that this week most things I'd been working towards fell apart. Deadlines were shifted: great, you say, but not when I've worked myself into a really bad state already to get something fit for that deadline. Plans were altered, giving me a weekend to myself but, honestly, I'm just annoyed that people keep moving the damn goalposts. I like to know where I am and this week has offered anything but that.

On Monday my father took a day off work so we could take my grandmother to the bank - why is it when you're 90, institutions like banks insist on dragging you in to request a simple chequebook because you can't use the phone and they don't seem to be able to deal with a power of attorney form? As ever, my grandmother lingered at the counter to tell everyone I was her daughter. Really, if it looks like that is the case I want to sue my genes; no offence, Gran.

The rest of Monday was thesis grind. Tuesday was also thesis grind with a little interlude for the gym to stop me breaking my computer. Then, having got to midnight, I switched into writing mode to work on a script extract I'd decided I needed to rewrite before I submitted it (and I needed to submit it fast). On Wednesday I got the news that my supervisor meeting had been cancelled so there no need to me to zombify myself over the last few days. Instead of rushing to complete the chapter as I'd intended, I did an afternoon of biography work, my effort to make sure that the groundwork of my thesis is solid and that I haven't got any Wilkie Collins information wrong. Then my evening was spent finishing up the play extract, getting it polished for submission and packaging it up. Another night when I said hello to 2am.

Thursday was a day of contrasts. In spite of my supervisor meeting being cancelled, I had to travel to university to return a book someone had requested. If that sounds like I'm a little bitter...well, I was. If I'd known my meeting was cancelled earlier I might have arranged my whole week so my head wasn't buzzing constantly. However, Thursday was lightened by a short spell looking after my twin nieces (who are five this month, unbelievably). Watching Matilda with one little girl who was trying to make herself vomit by swirling around and another one who wanted to tell me everything that was happening before it happened, and as though I'd never seen it in my life, was rather delightful. When I got back I decided to take a final run at that thesis chapter and, around 1am, the draft was finished. The fact that it's of an epic length doesn't really bother me at the moment. I'm taking a short hiatus.

The unexpected freeing up of my weekend, coupled with my determination to get that work done last night, has given me a rare opportunity - a weekend where three straight days can be devoted to writing. I'm switching projects again, though merely because I'm submitting an extract of one novel in a few weeks and I need the rest to be of a decent standard in the near future. It's not me flitting around aimlessly from project to project (the thing I've vowed against this year) but a necessary alteration in path. Unfortunately, as 'Liz' takes priority, 'Lauren' will have to shrink back into the woodwork for a while. Frustrating, since we were getting somewhere.

Still, a weekend of writing with some fantastic films as rewards? Not shabby. I'm thinking of a Cary Grant double-bill: Monkey Business with Ginger Rogers and Bringing Up Baby with Katharine Hepburn. You don't get much funnier than that.

And that, dear readers, is what I've been up to this week.

Thesis Snipping

This week is turning out to be tricky. No novel work for me, though I've successfully managed to juggle PhD commitments with some rewriting since Christmas. The work I'm doing at the moment requires my full attention. My characters are battling for head space alongside Wilkie Collins and Edmund Yates characters and, to be quite honest, they're getting a bit muddled up there. The next time I go back to my novel draft it wouldn't surprise me if my placid but sarcastic characters began indulging in some accidental bigamy.

The crux of the problem is my fourth thesis chapter, also known as the thesis chapter of doom/thesis chapter from hell/thesis chapter I'm going to set fire to. I mentioned how much trouble I was having with it in November (here, with Victor Meldrew references). I said I was having 'wild ideas' about hitting the delete button. You know what I did the other day? Deleted over 8,000 words, the entire section of analysis, and went back to the drawing board.

I found that trying to rewrite what was already in there was a nightmare. Plot description mixed up with argument mixed up with quotes mixed up with points I didn't really know I was making - it was all a mess. Hitting the 'delete' button was a moment of trauma but I've started to build it back up slowly with 1400 words written in that last few days. I'm not exactly a self-confident type of person but I'm 90% sure that the words I've put in are far superior to the ones I removed. Then again, at this point, I would say that! To be honest, whether it's true or not, I need to believe it for now. Otherwise I'll just be stranded in no-man's land; safe in the knowledge that the work I had before wasn't good enough and incapable of moving forward. At least I'm moving, that's what I keep telling myself.

I have a supervisor meeting next Thursday. So that's a week to get things into shape while I'm away for most of the weekend... Ouch. Better not think of it in those terms either!

Picking a Rewrite Speed

A little look at at my work diary for the past two weeks tells me that I've reviewed three classic films, two books and written three other blog posts. I've spent four afternoons going through a Wilkie Collins biog for every scrap of information I may ever need to know and a long evening arguing with British Periodicals to get some articles loaded up for a paper I want to write. I've created a 245 point list of terror detailing the changes I'd like to make on my thesis chapters as they stand and I spent one agonising day trying to write the appendix that refuses to be written. I've also finished the last third of a play and added nearly 20,000 words to a novel rewrite. Oh, and I did some babysitting and a Sheffield trip too. No wonder I'm shattered!

The thing about this novel rewrite is that it's one I can and should do rapidly. Effectively, it's another first draft. The characters involved in this novel have been in my head since I was 16. They've been in scripts, they've been in three different locations to date. I failed in 2011 to complete NaNoWriMo with them and then managed it in 2012 - after a location switch and a POV change. The NaNo draft was all from the POV of one character - Lauren - while my previous attempt had been from six points of view. You know what I'm doing now, right? Yep, going back to a structure where all characters get a section to themselves. Six different voices and an alteration in the organisation of the setting.

So I'm treating the rewrite as another first draft. Most of the general structure and relationships is staying the same but nearly all of the specifics are being altered. I've only referred twice to the first draft so far and that was for pieces of dialogue I didn't want to lose. Essentially, it's a different novel, albeit it with lingering and very persistent characters. If I didn't treat it like I do my first drafts (get it down, get it done, get on with something else) I'd be wasting time. The 'second draft' isn't going to be in any kind of decent state, just as the first draft wasn't. I need to get the new structure on the page, play around with the new voices, then fix it later. Just the way it has to be.

After that, there's an entirely different prospect. I've got a second draft currently standing at 14,000 words that requires concentration, precision, thought about every word. That will take much longer. It's all about knowing what different projects require. And, for me at the moment, it's all about working on them without stressing too much about what I'm going to do with them. Writing's enough right now. After all, this is the year of the thesis...right?