Well, I did call 2014 the 'year of the thesis'. Three months in and I'm struggling to even work on that. As I tweeted last night, I feel like I'm waging a battle by wading through thesis mud. I'm not getting very far and, honestly, I would prefer to just let the mud sweep me away. I think it's actually in danger of doing that.
I made a decent effort to juggle in January, as this post details, but since then it's all gone very wrong. I was writing the odd thousand words on novel drafts, that became hundreds and now I've just stopped opening the documents. I can't focus on a project because there's so much I need to do with them. It's overwhelming and I can't deal with novel-overwhelming on top of thesis-overwhelming.
I suppose it wouldn't be as bad if I felt like I was getting somewhere. But I'm not. Rejection follows rejection and, really, I haven't got the mental reserves to keep putting myself in that situation. I already feel like hell for various reasons. I'm not doing myself any favours by setting myself up for further rejection. Maybe I'm listening to that little devil that whispers 'just give it up' or maybe I'm being sensible - who knows?
The thing is, if I stop then I might not start again. I might listen to the devil. Hell, maybe the devil's right. I'm too far gone to be able to look at this objectively. All I know at the moment is that I don't want to write. I think that's the first time in ten years I've said that and meant it. I've still got things out at submission and maybe something will come of them but if it doesn't... I don't know. I really don't.
But 2014 is the year of the thesis. Let's focus on that because it damn well needs the concentration.