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Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Regrets? I've Had a Few...

Regrets are a funny thing. In hindsight things can be so much clearer and you can believe that if you only took path B instead of path A everything would've been perfect. Well, perhaps not perfect but at least better. The truth is, life is packed with so many little twisty turns and choices that you can't really say for certain where you'd be if you'd taken path B and not A. The only thing you can be (mostly) sure about is where you are.

Whoever you are today is comprised from all those little paths you took, even the ones that seemed minuscule at the time. For instance, listening to somebody calling my name for once and not ignoring anything outside my own bubble led to one of my most enduring friendships - and the only one to survive leaving university. I can't say for certain what would've happened if I'd kept on walking but I can hazard a guess that I would've stayed in my shell for a lot longer, maybe not had the courage to do some of the things I managed to talk myself into in later years. One little moment but so important.

When I look back there are things I regret but mostly they're things I couldn't have done anything to change. They were out of my control. A few weren't, however, and I take full responsibility for the screwing-up portion of proceedings there. But do you know what I regret most? Not asking things, never opening my mouth at potentially the wrong moment in case it caused waves. Unfortunately, this is an integral aspect of my personality. Not matter what I do, I can't change the fundamentals. I'm always going to be a scared, shy and over-anxious person. That's a combination of who I naturally am and the choices I've made along the way. No matter how I wish I wasn't that person it's still a challenge to do anything out of the ordinary for me and it always will be. I'm always going to refrain from asking questions and I'm always going to regret it later.

But what's a girl to do? Better to regret it than try to be someone I'm not. Even if, in the process, I know I'm not being true to myself. It's certainly a conundrum...

If I could pick my personality, however, this song would be a good start:

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