To be perfectly honest, I don't know how I'm still going. I've spent November battling with rewrites for a essay whose deadline keeps looming, getting extended slightly and looming again. And, as I blogged on Wednesday, I'm having significant problems structuring the last chapter of my thesis. Not to mention the fact that I feel possibly the worst I've felt in at least a year. I've been underestimating how bad I've gotten, which has made the last few days all the more alarming. And, still, I've been writing.
Last night I trotted over the 40,000 word mark. As things stand, my daily average is 1,843 but I haven't written anything today yet so that's dragging me down. I've mostly been writing my daily word count between 22:30 and midnight so it's been rapid stuff. My aim over the weekend evenings is to bring it as close to the finishing line as possible (my weekend days are allocated to the essay rewrites) and then finish the entire novel draft by the 30th. I now know exactly how the last few chapters are going to play out and there's at least one scene I'm really looking forward to writing. It was one that came to me as I was sat in the theatre on the cruise ship watching a fantastic singer and I hope it's going to be as beautiful on the page as it was in my mind.
In retrospect, doing this story for NaNo was a mistake. Oh, I didn't know it'd be a mistake and, really, it was a good idea to couple a holiday experience with a NaNo novel like this. The problem came when I was essentially forced to relive every day something I'd rather was dead and buried. Reliving it brings me round in a circle as I realise how weak and pathetic I actually am and that, in turn, makes it difficult to write with any confidence. It's not surprising that this novel has fed into the general...badness surrounding me at the moment but I'm sure I'll be happy when it's all there on paper. At least I've come too far to turn back or pack it in. My stubbornness wouldn't let me. I haven't been through the last two months to fail now and maybe, just maybe, I needed to write this novel. To invent the holiday I wish I'd had without the horrible stuff thrown in. I know that if I hadn't participated in NaNo this year I would've hated myself for it so... We are where we are.
Have a little Judy in Summer Stock...